A year of silence...

It has been over a year since I wrote my last post. It really is incredible how fast time passes by. Now what happened? What was the motive of my silence?
I normally write about things I observe, hear or feel around or within me, because all the sudden I see them clearly or because I question them. Yet the past year I have had a tough year of introspection. Lots of changes in my live, of which the biggest, emigration to a foreign country.

Like (almost) everyone I still have issues with my self-esteem and with all the changes and introspection of the past year a lot of doubts arose.

I think we all know what this is and we all have passed through moments of doubts about who we are, what we are and what we know and are capable of. Yet the proportion in which we experience those doubts and how we handle them has a lot to do with our level of self-esteem. The lower our self-esteem the more and the stronger our doubts and the more we let our doubts influence our daily live.

Well, this is what happened to me over the past year. I had doubts about myself, about my life's purpose and about my capabilities. I felt like I was always one step behind, I felt inferior to the people in my surroundings and thought that all of them knew and experienced more then me. As Eckhart Tolle would say, this all is Ego.
I always knew that self-esteem still was one of my biggest issues, but I just didn't know very well how to make it better. My Ego had tried to improve it for a long time by comparison to other people, and as long as I had people around me that I could feel superior to, my Ego would be satisfied and would give me the idea that my self-esteem wasn't that bad after all. Yet, my Ego fooled my, like many of you are fooled by your Ego. Our Ego is master in manipulation, but by being present and aware you are able to see this through.

So that is what I did. Many times I stopped, took a step back and watched my Ego. First a felt annoyed, but with time I started laughing about it. I started laughing about it, because I could see the irony of the Ego trying to play his game. And honestly, many times he still knows how to fool me, I'm definitely not free of Ego yet, that will need more time and awareness, but I'm heading the right direction.

Two weeks ago I really had a low point. I won't say that I hit rock bottom, because that sounds very drastic and it wasn't, but I certainly had tough moment. But sometimes we need the darkness to see where light shines. As long as it is dawn it's more difficult to see this source, but when it is dark, even the slightest ball of light will get your attention, will get your focus. And that is what happened to me. In that moment I knew my purpose. Being, loving, trusting myself and the universe.

A couple of days later I went for an aura reading. I couldn't have got any more confirmation. Everything that I felt, experienced, lived through, intuit or knew over the past year, that I had doubted about, got confirmed during this session. Everything. My guides couldn't have given me a bigger message. I have to TRUST myself and my intuition. I have to hear and acknowledge myself. I have to love myself. Then my self-esteem will raise and my (negative) doubts will belong to the past.

When I went home, in the days after this session I was stunned. I had been doubting about myself all my life, especially over the last year, and all the sudden these doubts were gone. I felt (and still feel) so free. My doubts had been blocking my creativity and now it is time to let my creativity shine. Right now my head is full of new ideas, of alternatives and topics to write about.

So my message to you, dear friend, TRUST your inner feeling. Take a step back and feel the difference between your thoughts and your Being, and you will know what is true. Intuition has his roots in Being and therefore is true. Even if your thoughts will tell you that it is not possible or made up, your thoughts are the ones who are wrong and trying to manipulate you. Thoughts are created by society, by culture, which can never comprehend the truth of Being. You are capable of so much more then your mind can grasp...

TRUST.